If you have known me for longer than eight years, you’ve heard or seen me talk or post about F3. My wife thinks I belongs to a cult. Apparently so do all of the other wives of other F3 guys across the country. I mean, we do get up at 5A, rain or shine, hot or cold, and perform some of the craziest workouts. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve shared a workout that I’ve created (or Q’d) and I tell my wife about and she just shakes her head and says, “that sounds awful!”

For those unfamiliar with F3 = Fitness, Fellowship and Faith. And while I could spend this entire blog talking about each of these elements, a recent study from AARP and my own personal experience is leading me to talk about the 2^nd F – Fellowship.

There was a recent study conducted by AARP that showed that amongst us Generation Xers, (45-64), 1-5 identified as having ZERO friends. Not just one or two – ZERO. That’s gut-wrenching. Especially when you consider how high the stakes are for us at that stage in life when the traditional pillars of identity (career, being a hands-on Dad, husband) begin to shift or worse, crumble or fall apart.

Now, imagine you are that man, who’s kid just left for college and his wife’s just said that we’ve been Mom and Dad for 20 years and I don’t love you any more and want to move on. And now imagine you are that man in that survey who was that one man who identified in that survey as having ZERO friends. What do you do?

According to the CDC, unfortunately for men in my age bracket, between 2000 and 2018, we’ve seen some of the highest increases in suicide mortality than any time in our US history. 18.7 per 100,000, it represents a “safety net” that is failing for 1 in 5 men who have zero friends.

So, what’s the solution?

Well, I can tell you what the solution has been for me. And according to AARP, they tend to agree. If 15-17% of men report having zero close friends, they are basically losing that 2^nd F (Fellowship). Which for me (and many other F3 brothers I know) has served as a literal life-preserver during mid-life transitions like empty nest or marital strain.

The Porch In January

Many people will tell you when they started F3 that they joined for the workouts, but they stayed for the fellowship. And my story is very similar. Although, I had a groundbreaking moment a few years ago when my oldest son went off to college.

My son Nelson (Jack-Jack) is my boy. I mean literally, in every way possible. When you think of a Father and son pairing, we are it. I could write an entire blog just about our relationship. Well, when he went off to college, it was around the same time I needed to have foot surgery. It was over Christmas break so I wouldn’t have to miss much work. But, it also meant I was going to have to miss moving him into his apartment at ECU.

Nelson had gone to Wake Tech his first two years following high school and also worked full-time and he would come home, almost every day, and I would have my bourbon and cigar and we’d catch-up. It was our time.

A few days after he had moved out, I remember sitting on the back porch, in January, in the cold, crying, my foot in a boot. I wasn’t able to workout because my foot was in a boot and wasn’t able to put in weight on it and had no son on the couch to talk to and for the first time, in a long time. I felt more alone that I had felt in my entire life. Fortunately, several of my F3 guys would text me periodically and check on me and see how I was doing. One of my F3 brothers, Menthol, even came over, in the cold, to sit and hang with me. He brought his pipe and I had my cigar and we just talked about life. And it was nice. I still missed Nelson. But, at least I wasn’t alone.

The most remarkable thing happened a few weeks later. Once I was able to put weight on my foot, I went out to an F3 workout and decided I would just walk around while the guys worked out. One of my best F3 brothers, Green Thumb, said he would join me. I said he was fine. He insisted stating our mantra, “Leave no man behind, but leave no man where you found him.” We walked and talked. Because of F3 and our shared misery of workouts and closeness, I had gotten really comfortable about opening up to these guys, so, I was pretty open to Green Thumb about how depressed and sad I had been the past few weeks. I was ugly crying, too. At one point during the walk, he stopped me and said, “Gilmore. I need to ask you a serious question.” Of course, what is it?” He said something that will stick with me for the rest of my life. It’s a question I bet many friends, spouses, brothers, sisters, Dads or Moms wish had been asked of their loved ones. He asked, “Gilmore. Are you thinking of hurting yourself?”
For a second, I was shocked that he had the willingness to ask the question. I paused for a brief moment and caught by breath and said, no, absolutely not. But, I was SO thankful for him asking the question. Because, at the end of the day, what if I had been? What if I had a plan in place for ending my life that day or that week. What if I had just been contemplating and I just wanted a way out and I need someone to just ask the question, “Do you still want to be here anymore?”

So, my question to you is, if you are reading this today and you feel like you are that man on the back porch, sitting there in isolation, it’s ok to be that guy that needs to be asked.

And for those who are walking the walk with others, asking the question about suicide isn’t planting the seed, it provides an “escape hatch” for the pain.

I say it again, in F3, we truly believe in our mantra of “Leave no man behind, but leave no man where you found him.”

If you are a man, looking to get off the porch and think F3 would be the place for you, check it out – www.f3nation.org.

If that’s not the place, but you are looking for help, please call or text 988 (the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or reach out to someone who will walk the walk with you.

you don’t need to be alone anymore!
someone’s got your SIX!